The Young Dictator Read online

  Old Young Eyes sighed. “When I weighed my beard, it turned out to be exactly one kilogram! It was clear to me at that moment that this was the new IPK. Yes, it’s true. My beard now sets the standard for all metric weights used throughout the world.”

  Jenny whistled appreciatively. “That’s quite an achievement. I thought you would be more pleased than you seem to be. You love kilograms and other units of measurement, don’t you?”

  “Yes I do, and yet…” Old Young Eyes blinked furiously. There were tears in his eyes. At last he spluttered, “But the stress is too great! When the IPK was made of a platinum-iridium alloy it barely changed its mass over the centuries. Now it’s made of hair, the product of a beard that will keep growing against my will, its mass is never stable! Thus the value of every kilogram in the world is slowly altering, too slowly to be noticed by most people until it’s too late. Can you image the damage and disruption this situation will cause to industry?”

  “I see what you mean,” said Jenny sympathetically.

  “And that’s why I hid myself away in this obscure corner of the palace and why I am brooding on this stool.”

  “Well, I think I might have a solution,” Jenny replied.

  Old Young Eyes gaped at her.

  “This isn’t a cruel joke of yours?” he croaked.

  “Not at all. I’m no longer cruel. I’ve abdicated my position as ruler of the galaxy, that’s why. While it might be necessary for a supreme dictator to create misery, it’s never right for an ordinary citizen to do so; and that is what I am now. Just a normal girl.”

  “I’m astonished to hear this. But what’s the solution?”

  “To shave the beard off!”

  Old Young Eyes considered this idea with a deep frown. “Cut off my beard and leave it here, you mean?”

  “Absolutely. Once removed from your chin it will stop growing. That is how beards work, you see. You can leave it here, where it will continue to set the value of the kilogram for anyone who uses that measure, but at the same time you’ll also be free to leave this chamber and live in a nicer and more comfortable part of the palace.”

  “That’s a brilliant idea! But how can I shave it?”

  For the first time, Jenny found it advisable to draw her cutlass. As the blade flashed in the light she cried:

  “I’ll do it for you. Just promise not to squirm!”

  Jenny and Old Young Eyes crawled back down the thin twisting corridor to the main part of the building. His neck and chin and cheeks were sore and covered in small cuts, but he was still alive; and in fact he felt happy and ready to begin a more active life.

  As they negotiated the strange turns of this odd passage, Jenny related her adventures since she had entered the attic of the palace from the roof. She explained how she had been sucked into cyberspace and had met the dictators who were on her contact list.

  “What a bunch of traitors!” Old Young Eyes said.

  Jenny nodded, even though she was ahead of him and he couldn’t see the gesture. “We live and learn, I’m afraid. Of course, after I escaped into the real world, I immediately deleted my Fascbook account. I understood how tired I was of living in constant wariness, so I abdicated my position as Empress of the Galaxy in favour of a simpler life. It was a good idea. I still have worries but they are fewer.”

  “What about your Gran? She’ll be after you, surely?”

  Jenny was saddened by this thought.

  “Yes, that’s true,” she admitted, “and I prefer not to think about it; but I know I ought to think about it and make preparations to defend myself for her inevitable onslaught. I bet she’s already on her way to Earth with an avenging armada of battle cruisers. Yet I just can’t bring myself to act against her. It’s weird. I feel… gentle!”

  “Doubtless that’s how she’s hoping you’ll feel. She is banking on you being too sentimental to repulse her invasion once she arrives. But for all our sakes, you must take defensive measures! Gran is the sort of creature that will destroy herself and us with her!”

  Jenny knew that Old Young Eyes was right about this but it still didn’t help to make her appreciate the urgency of the situation. She had put off thinking about it for weeks now; it couldn’t hurt to put off thinking about it a little longer, could it? Maybe she needed a holiday, a short break that would help to reinvigorate her dynamism.

  “I might go back to Carrington for the weekend,” she said.

  “Whatever for?” cried Old Young Eyes.

  “To visit Chairman Meow. And my parents too, of course. But I miss that cat, I really do. He’s very funny.”

  They emerged into the main corridor at last. The Queen was waiting for them, bony hands on exposed hips, the crown at a precarious angle on her dreadful white skull. “There you are!”

  “No need to be concerned for me,” said Jenny.

  The Queen smiled one of her horrid skeleton smiles. “Oh, I know you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself without my help. I wasn’t worried about you at all. But you have a visitor and that’s why I came to look for you. I searched everywhere!”

  “A visitor?” Jenny exchanged a nervous glance with Old Young Eyes and asked quietly, “It’s not Gran, is it?”

  “Absolutely not. I wouldn’t allow her anywhere near you. I would try my best to cut off her head myself. No, your visitor is a very peculiar cat. He’s walking on two legs and talking.”

  Jenny frowned. “I don’t know any cats like that!”

  “Nevertheless he’s in the reception area. He seems pleasant and polite and so I gave him a saucer of milk.”

  Jenny thanked the Queen and hurried to the room in question. She was too fast for Old Young Eyes, who was unable to keep up despite the fact he no longer had a beard to trip over.

  When she reached the reception area, she was delighted and amazed to see Chairman Meow. He was standing in the corner on his two back legs and holding the saucer of milk in his front paws, tilting it up to his mouth. He finished the milk, wiped his lips and twitched his whiskers. “Good to see you again, Jenny! How are things?”

  Jenny was unable to offer a coherent answer for at least a minute. She finally said, “Fine, I guess. But how long have you been able to act like a human being? Did you learn recently?”

  He put the saucer down on the tiles of the floor with a click. “Oh dear no, I’m fluent in most Earth languages and have been for many centuries. I pretended I could only speak Cattish because it made my life easier, but all along I’ve understood everything that was ever said in your house. My act was very good, you must admit that.”

  “Hey, this isn’t one of Mum or Dad’s tricks, is it?”

  “Certainly not. Perish the thought.”

  “You aren’t a secret agent working for Gran?”

  Chairman Meow looked disgusted. “I’m an independent agent, Jenny, and work just for myself. I came here because I’ve always had a soft spot for you. I came to tell you that you have been nominated for the runner up prize of greatest dictator in the universe.”

  Jenny was annoyed. “Runner up? That means second place, doesn’t it? Who is the vile rascal who beat me?”

  Chairman Meow took a deep bow, but because he was an ordinary cat and therefore quite short even on his hind legs, it didn’t look as deep as it really was. He said, “That honour is mine.”

  Jenny burst into laughter. She pointed directly at him.

  “You? Don’t be ridiculous!”

  Somehow he managed to retain his dignity in the face of this rudeness and replied stiffly, “I’m not a domestic feline but a time traveller from the far future. You, my girl, ended up ruling Earth, the Galaxy and Hell; but I am dictator of all those three places, plus the dimension of Time. Yes, it’s true. I’m greater than you because I rule in time as well as in space. If you want to know why I came back here, to this particular age, it’s because I wanted a rest from the responsibility.”

  “I can sympathise with that,” Jenny told him.

  “Goo
d. That’s a better attitude.”

  “What does my runner up prize consist of?”

  “A medal,” said Chairman Meow.

  “May I see it now?”

  “Indeed. In fact you can wear it.”

  He reached into a bag at his feet with a paw and took out an enormous chocolate medallion. Then he passed it to Jenny. It was suspended from a green ribbon. One side of the medallion showed Jenny’s profile, the other side showed the Milky Way galaxy held in a fist that was clearly meant to be her own. Jenny sniffed warily.

  “85% cocoa content,” he informed her proudly.

  “Good quality,” she conceded.

  No sooner had she hung it from her neck than Old Young Eyes entered the room, panting heavily. “Guess what the Queen told me the spherical room where I was sitting with my beard is for? You will scarcely believe it when you hear!” Then he noticed Jenny’s visitor and he leaned forward to pat the furry head that was angled towards him. “Hello, I didn’t know cats could stand upright like that.”

  “Only some of us can. Live with it, buster.”

  Chairman Meow didn’t really get along with Old Young Eyes after that, but for Jenny’s sake they didn’t argue viciously and restricted themselves to making sarcastic comments that could be interpreted as jokes. During the days that followed, Jenny learned about the year that Chairman Meow originally came from, Infinity AD.

  “That’s rather a vague date,” remarked Jenny.

  “Not at all! It’s as precise as any other. Don’t be fooled into thinking that infinity isn’t a real number with genuine properties. It’s just as real and useful as the number zero.”

  “But is the number zero really useful?”

  “Of course! How many times do you want to visit the dentist or go to school this week? Count carefully.”

  “Zero!” cried Jenny joyfully. “I get it now!”

  Old Young Eyes objected to this. “When numbers don’t have practical utility they are stupid and pointless. A kilogram with infinite weight or no weight at all is a waste of materials.”

  “Kilograms are rubbish!” sneered Chairman Meow.

  Old Young Eyes was lost for words.

  Every evening they sat like this at the largest banqueting table, all five of them, Jenny, Old Young Eyes, the Queen, Maya and Chairman Meow, enjoying the wonderful meals and desserts that the palace slaves brought them from the kitchens. Jenny always ate her dessert first, as a starter, and then she had dessert for the main course too. Usually this meant she was too full for dessert when it arrived.

  But she did her best to cram it inside her anyway!

  “What’s the difference between servants and slaves?” she asked after a particularly large meal one evening.

  And to demonstrate the nature of her question, she flicked a spoonful of trifle over her left shoulder. Instantly, a palace slave scuttled from the shadows and threw himself down to lick clean the carpet where the jelly and blancmange had stained it. Everyone laughed but the Queen decided to answer the question properly anyway.

  “The only real difference is that a servant is free to quit whenever they like and a slave is forced to work against their will. A smaller difference is the fact that slaves aren’t paid,” she said.

  “I thought you had servants in Buckingham Palace, not slaves,” Maya remarked suddenly with a slight frown.

  The Queen shrugged, her bony shoulders creaking as she did so. “Both kinds work here. Often a servant turns into a slave so gradually they don’t even know it’s happening until it’s too late. I don’t care whether they are free or not, happy or unhappy, paid or unpaid, provided they do what they are told without causing any problems.”

  “They certainly know how to prepare good food!” chortled Old Young Eyes as he tackled a caramel pudding.

  “Yes, the galley staff here are totally amazing!”

  Jenny sat up straight. “Galley staff?”

  “The slaves or servants who work in the galleys.”

  A memory stirred within Jenny and she struggled to make sense of the jumbled images that flickered briefly in the depths of the little theatre that was her subconscious mind. “But—”

  “Don’t you understand simple words, Jenny?” laughed the Queen. “A galley is another name for a kitchen.”

  “Is it?” Jenny finally knew what she was trying to recall. “I thought it was a ship that was powered by oars.”

  Chairman Meow twitched his whiskers.

  “That certainly is one meaning of the word, my dear,” he said, “but it isn’t often used these days in that sense. Normally when someone talks about a ‘galley’ they mean a kitchen.”

  “Ah!” Jenny took a deep breath and said, “When I won the by-election and became a Member of Parliament I was given a driver named Tubbs. I found him to be a very loyal and agreeable sort of chap. He stood by me through thick and thin. But when my dictatorship was overthrown in the civil war by a bunch of spoilsports, he was found guilty of aiding me and sentenced to life imprisonment in the galleys. I assumed he had been sent to work the oar of a ship. But now…”

  The Queen and Chairman Meow both shook their heads. “More likely that he was sent to work in a kitchen somewhere, probably in the bowels of the Houses of Parliament,” he said.

  “Those kitchens are even bigger than mine,” added the Queen.

  Jenny’s eyes bulged. “So Tubbs is here in London? He has been here all the time and I never realised it!”

  “That sounds probable to me,” said the Queen.

  “Well, in that case, I ought to go and rescue him. In fact I should do it right now. The poor sap!” Jenny said.

  The Queen clicked her long teeth. “Don’t be too hasty. Remember that you have abdicated your position. That means you no longer have power or authority to simply stroll inside the Houses of Parliament and demand the release of a prisoner. However, I can give you the authority to do that, and Maya here can do the same thing.”

  “And so can I,” announced Chairman Meow, “because I’m ruler of all time as well as space. It’s only one of the many billions of things I can do and most of them are far more impressive than that. For example, I know how to conduct orchestras with my tail.”

  “Bah!” grumbled Old Young Eyes. “When I had a beard I could easily have done that. It’s not so impressive.”

  Chairman Meow extended his paws. Abruptly his claws flashed out, a set of curved scimitars. “See these? Well, I can scratch steel to ribbons. I can even shoot rays from the tips.”

  “What types of ray exactly? Lasers? Heat rays?”

  “Well, no cat can do—”

  “Ultraviolet? Tractor beams?”

  “Not those.” Chairman Meow looked mildly ashamed for the first time since his arrival at the palace.

  “Ice radiation?” prompted Jenny.

  Chairman Meow nodded in relief. “Yes! Beams of frozen coldness! Thanks, Jenny, for backing me up.”

  Old Young Eyes curled his mouth disdainfully. “Yeah? And what can you freeze with these ice beams?”

  There was an awkward silence. Everyone waited for Chairman Meow to provide a list, but he seemed disinclined to do anything. He even shut his eyes as if about to fall asleep.

  Maya and the Queen felt embarrassed. They made suggestions on his behalf. “Peas? Bank funds? Clocks?”

  “I’ll remember eventually,” said Chairman Meow in a voice so small it barely registered on anyone’s ears.

  Old Young Eyes sniggered in malign triumph.

  In order to change the subject, Jenny said, “Apparently that spherical room where I found Old Young Eyes after he went missing has a strange function? He told me that I wouldn’t believe what it was, but he never got round to telling me what it might be.”

  “Not strange, no,” said the Queen, “but perfectly natural.”

  “I’m waiting,” urged Jenny.

  “It’s the womb of the palace,” the Queen replied.

  “I beg your pardon!” cried Jenny.

&n
bsp; Maya and Chairman Meow also looked astonished.

  “The palace womb,” said the Queen.

  “Um… I don’t understand you,” confessed Jenny.

  The Queen cracked her knuckles.

  “It’s really very simple. Where do you think palaces come from in the first place? You don’t suppose they are actually built, do you? No, they’re born, just like you and me and everyone else seated around the table. The spherical room is the place where a baby palace will grow one day. Then it will be born and some other lucky monarch will get to live in it. That’s how nature works. It’s nothing special.”

  “Well, this is news to me,” commented Jenny.

  “And to me too,” agreed Maya.

  “I’m surprised by your naivety,” sniffed the Queen.

  There was another awkward silence.

  Jenny thought she ought to change the subject back to Tubbs. “I think it would be a nice present for him if I got him released. He can’t be happy slaving away in the kitchens all his life. What if he falls in a pot of broth? What if he accidentally fries himself?”

  “Both those outcomes are possible,” said the Queen.

  “The poor man!” sighed Maya.

  “So will you arrange for me to walk into the Houses of Parliament and get him out without being stopped by the guards?” Jenny asked. “I will go there first thing tomorrow morning…”

  “Sure,” said the Queen. “I’ll write a note explaining that you have my permission which you can show to anyone who tries to challenge you. I’ll leave the note on the breakfast table and you can pick it up when you get out of bed. I intend to have a lie-in tomorrow because I’m exhausted. It’s hard ruling a country with exposed bones.”

  Jenny thanked the Queen and then she left the assembled company and went to her own room and sat on her bed reading Machiavelli. It was just as boring as ever and it made her sleepy.

  She went to bed and dreamed all night of pots, pans and ships.

  Far out in outer space, somewhere beyond the orbit of Neptune, the fleet of spaceships commanded by Gran was rowing through the vacuum and making rapid progress. Each vessel was equipped with oars; but the ends of these oars were made from carefully carved neutron star hearts. It was a new method of interstellar propulsion.